Starbucks has confirmed a radical new in store policy aimed at speeding up coffee consumption and reducing what it calls “extended lifestyle occupation.” Starting this week, several locations will offer only espresso. The goal is simple. Drink it fast, feel something, and leave. According to internal memos, customers should be able to finish their coffee in one sip and exit before emotionally bonding with the chair.

Company representatives explained that customers who take longer than five minutes are rarely there for caffeine. Internal observations suggest those customers are usually building photo galleries to prove they were at Starbucks, or quietly hoping nearby neighbors notice them enjoying Starbucks like it is a normal daily ritual. Executives reportedly agreed that coffee should no longer function as a personal branding accessory.

To reinforce the change, Starbucks has also eliminated in store Wi-Fi. The company cited years of data showing customers who ordered one coffee and then opened a laptop like they were paying rent. These customers often remained for hours, holding Zoom meetings, writing screenplays, or aggressively typing while buying nothing else. Starbucks stated that espresso culture does not support unpaid coworking behavior.

The espresso only rollout is described as a cultural reset. Come in, order, drink, feel alive, and leave. No lingering. No aesthetic photos. No pretending the table is your office. Starbucks emphasized that this move is about returning coffee to its original purpose, not supporting extended performances of productivity or status signaling.

To Starbucks, thank you for reminding adults that coffee is a drink, not a lifestyle, office, or photo shoot, and that espresso works best when consumed quickly and without attachment.

*This article is a work of satire. No interviews were conducted. No statements were requested. No legal teams were contacted, yet. The Roast Times publishes fictional stories inspired by real cultural obsessions, brands, and behaviors. We turn everyday fixations into certified editorial pieces, because some obsessions deserve to be documented.